The Trump Family Goes to the Mattresses

 

Scene: The White House living quarters

Present: Donald Trump, Melania, Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Jared

DT: Okay, everybody, we’re at war. Ivanka, what’s your plan?

Ivanka: Daddy, me and Jared are moving to the Saudi Embassy. I packed all my Stella McCartney ath-leisurewear and 40 pairs of shoes!

Jared: That’s right, Sir. And I moved $40 million in cash to our account in the Caymans.

DT: Forty million? Is that enough?

Jared: Well, for a few weeks.

Ivanka: Jared, did you remember to stock up on Beluga?

Jared: Sweetheart, I’m sure the Saudis have plenty of caviar.

Eric: Dad, do you want to hear my plan?

DT: No. Don Jr., what’s your plan?

Don Jr.: Well, Pops, Kimberley and myself will stay at our cottage in Mustique until this blows over.

DT: How’s Kimberley doing?

Don Jr.: She’s pissed that Gavin’s gonna be Governor.

DT: He’s a clown. I think he’s gay.

Ivanka: I do too, Daddy. I met him once. I thought his wrist was a little limp. But he’s pretty!

Melania: In old country we know what to do with these Queers. We shoot them, then dump body in Danube.

Jared: That seems a little harsh, Mom.

DT: Hard times call for harsh measures, Jar.

Eric: Dad, I wrote that saying down. It can go in my book, The Wit and Wisdom

DT: Melania, are you packed? We may have to leave quickly.

Melania: I am way ahead of you Donald, there. I send three trunk of gowns to chateau in Nice.

DT: Nice? Isn’t that in France?

Melania: I thought it was in Europe?

Jared: Mom, Nice is in the south of France.

DT: I don’t want to go to France. That idiot Macron lives there. I hate him. Hate him! We might not be safe in France.

Eric: I don’t think—

Jared: I agree with Dad. Macron is a Schumer Democrat. He could have Dad arrested and extradite him.

Melania: I had Amazon package expedite. So quick and easy, especially if you’re Prime member.

Jared: Extradite, Mom, not expedite.

Melania: What’s difference?

DT: Mel, pack plenty of chocolate cake. If I’m going into exile, at least I’ll eat well!

Melania: Oh, darling, you’re getting so, how you say, fat? Why not try Wheat Thins?

DT: And wherever we go, make sure it’s near a KFC.

Eric: I had a bucket of KFC yesterday.

Don Jr.: Dad, are you going to give the word to your foot soldiers?

Ivanka: I was wondering the same thing.

Jared: All it would take, Sir, is for you to tell them to mobilize. We could take over the country in a few hours.

DT: I’m considering it. Bannon tells me they’ve been getting ready for more than a year. He figures they can have 100,000 armed guerillas take over local governments and media centers.

Ivanka: Good! They should take over CNN and arrest Wolf Blitzer.

Melania: He’s a homo.

Don Jr.: That Chris Matthews is even worse. They should arrest all of them.

Jared: And they should shut down the failing New York Times.

Melania: I think there is fried chicken in Nice.

DT: We’ll shut them all down. Every one of the snowflakes. They’ll be sorry.

[Jared’s cell phone rings]

Jared: Dad? It’s Netanyahu. [Trump takes the phone]

DT: Bibi? That you? I’ll put you on speakerphone.

Netanyahu: Donald! Oy gevalt, what’s this I hear?

DT: It’s true, we’re going to the mattresses. We’re at war with the liberals and the fake news media.

Netanyahu: Can I help, Donald? You want to borrow my Mossad?

DT: Can they take Mueller out and make it look like Hillary did it?

Netanyahu: They can do anything, Donald.

Melania: Donald, dear, is that Bibi? Tell him tell Sara stay strong! She’s so misunderstood. So what if she kick servants around? That is what servants for.

Ivanka: I’m very nice to our servants. Isn’t that right, Jared?

Jared: Yes, dear.

DT: You have to let them know who’s boss. You have to be tough, like the way I kick Lindsay around!

Eric: Dad, you’re the toughest—

Melania: Speaking of servants, Donald, did you get rid of that awful Ricardel person?

DT: Yes, my pet. She no longer works in the White House.

Melania: I want her in jail.

Ivanka: Mom, what did she do, anyway?

Melania: She pushy bitch.

Eric: Pushy.

Don Jr.: Dad, do you want her in jail? I can pass the word to Whitaker.

DT: I’ll tell you who I want in jail: Pocahontas.

Ivanka: I know, Daddy! And she’s so dumpy. Women are just jealous of me because I’m a size 2.

Melania: I’m size 2, sweetie.

[all silent]

Eric: I have a plan—

[Trump’s phone rings]

DT: Hello? Vladimir! Nice to hear from you. What’s up? Yes, I’m still your little poodly-woodly, Vlad. Yes, your good little lap dog, slurp slurp. What? The pee-pee tape? You’re not going to release it, are you? Good, Vlad, good. Say, by the way, you didn’t do a very good job in our Congressional election. What’s up with that? Oh, you’ll do better in 2020? Well, that’s good. Yes, Vlad, yes, I’ll continue to undermine NATO, if it’s so important to you. Okay, well, you have a nice day too. Bye!

Eric: How is Uncle Vlad doing, Dad?

DT: Jared, can’t you get the Jews to vote Republican? I thought you were tight with them.

Jared: Just Chabad, Dad. You know, the crazies.

DT: What’s wrong with the rest of them?

Jared: They’re all snowflakes. Twinkies. Homos.

Don Jr.: I knew a Jew once. He was a homo.

Melania: Back in home country, we not like Jews. Old timers know what to do with them. [she draws a hand across her throat]

DT: Yeah, well, first we have to win this war and then we can deal with our enemies.

Eric: We have lots of enemies, don’t we, Pops?

[Trump looks at Eric, ignores him]

DT: Say, I’m getting hungry. Mel, call the Secret Service and tell them I want a Big Mac. No, make that four Big Macs, with fries and a chocolate shake. Two chocolate shakes. While I’m waiting, I’ll be tweeting about cereal.

[This is Steve] Have a great weekend! Stay strong and Resist!

 

 

Put on your Hazmat suit and Sewer Boots, we’re visiting The Daily Stormer

 

Stepping into dogshit isn’t the most pleasurable thing, but journalists sometimes have to subject themselves to nasty experiences in order to understand and report what’s really happening. It was in this intrepid spirit of discovery that I visited the website of The Daily Stormer [TDS], which calls itself “the most censored publication in history.”

I don’t know that that characterization is accurate; at any rate, the “other” most censored publications in history—Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Tropic of Cancer, Lolita, The Satanic Verses—are High Literature, whereas The Daily Stormer is the dogshit to which I referred. But as I say, in the spirit of journalism, I offer you this brief description of it, so that you, yourself, don’t have to go there.

Most of TDS’s articles are on these topics:

Pro-Trump

Anti-European

Anti-Immigrant

Pro-Homophobia

Anti-Media [except for fox]

Anti-Black

Pro-Nationalism

Anti-Semitism

of which the last, anti-Semitism, constitutes the core of TDS’s raison d’etre. The attacks on Jews are truly bizarre: it’s not in the particulars, which vary from day to day, but in the psychoneurotic obsession the site’s writers have with Jews. Do they secretly envy us? Hitler too suffered from this obsession; it drove him insane, and because nobody stopped him, 80 million people died, large tracts of Europe were reduced to rubble, and Germany ceased to exist as a country.

Trump may have a similar legacy; we’ll see. In the meantime, if there were a satiric publication that pretended to be anti-semitic, a sort of Colbert Report parody of race-baiting violence, TDS would qualify. It’s so patently ridiculous–think Mad Magazine–that you can hardly believe these people are serious. “Jewish Comic Book Propagandist Stan Lee Finally Dies.” I mean, really?

 The National Enquirer achieved its reputation for satiric humor with funny headlines like “Supreme Court Justice Scalia Murdered By A Hooker.” Intelligent people understood that the Enquirer’s stories were fake, and that its headlines were written by very talented, rather cynical New Yorkers who knew how to catch shopper’s eyes. What we didn’t know (but do now) was that the Enquirer’s publisher, David Pecker, was a closet supporter of Trump; Pecker’s lies were meant to influence feeble-minded, low-information white people to hate on Democrats.

The Daily Stormer is the online equivalent of The National Enquirer. Much creative effort goes into crafting its articles  in a way that maximally excites white, rightwing nationalists. TDS’s publisher, Andrew Anglin, works in the David Pecker mold, with an additional twist: his idol is Josef Goebbels, Hitler’s chief propagandist, who invented many of the modern techniques of inciting race hatred amongst the neurotic, frightened masses.

(Standup segue: Here’s a headline inspired by the National Enquirer and The Daily Stormer: Neo-Nazi Andrew Anglin Caught in Gay Sex Orgy With Eric and Donald Trump Junior)

The name, Daily Stormer, was appropriated by Anglin from the newspaper Der Sturmer, one of the Nazi Party’s favorite rags (which, incidentally, Hitler privately ridiculed). TDS’s connection with Nazis stems directly from Anglin’s fascination with them; his most memorable quote is By the Grace of God, I found Adolf Hitler.”

I have found myself lately caught up in debates over what constitutes free speech. Rightwingers have criticized my writings concerning Isabella Chow, the conservative Christian who is leading the anti-transgender fight on the U.C. Berkeley campus. Her supporters ask me why I would censor Chow but allow, say, Bernie Sanders to speak on campus. My response has been that not all “free” speech is equal. We do not allow certain forms of speech that are based on inciting violence. You can’t tweet that you want to kill Trump without expecting a nasty visit from the Secret Service.

Free speech is an important issue, and we do have to tread cautiously when we make decisions about what’s allowed and what isn’t. When all those social media companies—Facebook, YouTube, Apple, Spotify—removed Alex Jones’ (Info Wars) content, they certainly engaged in censorious behavior: let’s be clear about that. But they made the decision—correctly, in my judgment—that preventing the violence Jones’ comments provoke outweighs in importance protecting his free speech rights.

Surely we can agree with their decision: some forms of expression have to be eliminated to protect domestic tranquility, a phrase the Founders included in the Preamble to the Constitution, by which they meant that peace, calm, and law and order ought to prevail in America, for the benefit of all. When you have voices like Jones’, Anglin’s, Chow’s and, yes, Trump’s instigating hatred and fear, that is the opposite of “peace and calm.” They provoke, not domestic tranquility, but domestic terrorism. Unless you desire domestic unrest—which can lead only to the worst possible outcome—you have to be in favor of silencing these voices. If you had a wound you wouldn’t keep picking at it; you’d leave it alone to let the body’s natural defenses heal you. Same thing: Jones, Anglin, Chow, Trump, they all pick at America’s wounds. They don’t want healing.

But why not? They, themselves, are not honest enough to admit their motives, leaving the rest of us to infer what they’re really up to. Here’s my suspicion: they want civil war. They really do. They think their young white thugs are tougher, stronger, more numerous and better equipped at warfare than we snowflake, elite, gay coastal liberals, if it comes to shooting. That’s where things stand: and with each passing day, I sense what’s coming: open battles in the streets in America, the immediate spark being the Right’s insistence that nothing happen to Trump no matter what criminal activities Mueller proves him to have committed. The rest of us—the majority–will insist on Justice being done. Justice will not be done, if Trump and his brownshirts prevail. The clash will be a stark illustration of that old, rhetorical question: “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” We’re about to find out.

 

From the Personal Diary of Donald J. Trump: “My 10-step plan”

 

Okay, Diary, I gotta get real with this liberal takeover of the House. The way I see it is, I have to solve this problem before Jan. 3, 2019, when the new Congress convenes. If I wait too long, they’ll be subpoenaing the shit out of me, my family and my associates—and I won’t allow that to happen!

So here’s the plan. It’s bold, audacious—but then, I’ve been bold all my life, rolling the dice, taking risks, and it’s always worked out.

Step 1, I just took: firing that lawn jockey, Sessions. Mister Magoo can go back to fucking Mayberry.

Step 2, Replacing him with my boy, Whittaker. Dear Diary, Whit told me that he’ll stop the Mueller investigation in its tracks. He promised to shrink its budget by 75%, which means Mueller’s going to have to cease and desist. He’ll be lucky if he can still buy donuts. I don’t have to fire him,  just starve him to death.

Step 3, Whittaker also promised that when Mueller issues his report—to him, Whittaker—it will not be released to the media or the public, except for parts that are favorable to me, which we’ll leak through the usual suspects. But the full thing will never see the light of day. I can say it totally exonerates me, and nobody can contradict me. Hannity, Rush and the rest of the boys will confirm that there was no collusion, no obstruction, nothing wrong at all.

Step 4, Launch a counter-investigation of Democrats. Nunes promised me he’s already working on this: Hillary’e emails, of course, but also Maxine Waters’ ties with known black radicals, Schiff’s sexual practices, Pelosi’s husband’s links to the Mafia, Obama’s secret deals with the Chinese, Nadler’s real estate scandals, that gay blogger Heimoff’s shady past–the whole nine yards. My F.B.I. is providing me with plenty of ammunition to silence these elite liberal thugs, and my I.R.S. is all over this like white on rice.

Step 5, Create a huge diversion that will terrify the American people. This should be done by mid-December, just as we’re going into the holidays. The death toll, unfortunately, will have to be high, but that’s war for you; it always involves collateral damage. The only thing that matters is winning—and I’m a winner. The plotters will have to be found to be Muslim terrorists, but that will be easy for Homeland Security to arrange. Right now I’m thinking a dirty bomb in midtown Manhattan. Then I tell the American people they’re under imminent attack from terrorists, that only I can protect them. They’ll welcome it when I put the country under martial law and suspend civil liberties.

That’s risk-taking! But I’ll get away with it. Oh, the liberals will scream and howl and call for my scalp, but they’re already doing that. Besides, it will thrill my supporters when I shut down CNN and MSNBC and the failing New York Times. Not to mention Vanity Fair, The Atlantic, the Washington Post, Heimoff’s blog (which we’ve already tried to kill) and all the other liberal snowflake media outlets. What the hell are they going to do about it? Nothing. Let them cry all they want.

Step 6, Place the National Guard under my direct control. Then I get the Secretary of Defense, my man Mattis, to appoint me a General of the Army, outranking all other officers, which effectively puts the Armed Services of the United States under my personal control. And then direct my Army to crush my opposition using whatever means are necessary. I’ve had it up to here with these anarchists and Antifa thugs.

Step 7, Order the Secretary of the Interior, my man Zinke, to identify Federal lands where we can build mass detention centers to jail my political enemies. The government owns vast tracts of land out West; we’ve already started looking into this in Idaho, and I figure I can detain up to a million people in these camps. Again, the Democrats will howl, but there’s not a thing they can do about it.

Step 8, right before swearing-in day, maybe on Jan. 2, announce that the new Congress cannot be seated until their personal loyalty to me has been proven. From what I can tell, many if not most of these new Democrats are not loyal to me. They may not even be citizens. They may have contributed money to ISIS or the Taliban. Who knows? But we have to find out. They may have been involved in voter fraud and other crimes, even pedophilia. We have to know everything about them before I will permit them to take office.

Step 9, Arrest everybody in those caravans. Whittaker tells me the first batch of them should be arriving at the Texas border by Thanksgiving, although the date isn’t exact. When they do, my Army will physically prevent them from approaching the crossing. I’m told it’s likely that criminals and rapists in the caravan will throw rocks or Molotov cocktails or burn tires or commit other acts of civil violence. I will instruct my soldiers to have zero tolerance for criminal acts. They are free to shoot on sight. That’s something Bibi taught me: how to be tough with demonstrators!

Step 10, Cancel the 2020 elections, as long as the national emergency lasts—and believe me, it will last! Continuing acts of terror. Continuing threats from overseas. Explosions, mass shootings, violence, arson, civil unrest, sabotage, assassinations, synagogue attacks, Internet shutdowns–even if I have to order my security forces to do a lot of it themselves. There is no Constitutional reason I can’t declare myself President-for-Life. The American people will be begging me for help. I’ll have the Senate and the Supreme Court on my side. Screw the House. Let Pelosi whine her ass off, there’s nothing she can do to stop me. I’ll just shut the damn House down. Maybe I’ll send Pelosi to one of the camps. She can bunk with Hillary, that dyke.

I guess you could say there’s an 11th Step: having Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and other media commentators on my side influence their simple-minded followers through lies and appeals to hatred. But that’s not really a “step” for me to take. It’s been going on for a long time, it will continue, and they’re one of the reasons I’m here. So while I welcome it, I can’t take pride of ownership. Mr. Limbaugh: Mr. Murdoch: I salute you! Heil!

I’m on a roll, Dear Diary. Rested, tanned and ready to rock. And after I’m gone, which I hope won’t be for many years, there’s Don, Jr., Jared and Ivanka to take over. Welcome to Trump World, you liberal losers. Bwahaha!

Leaked! A transcript of that notorious phone call between Trump and MBS

 

[Trump called Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) on Tuesday to inquire about the disappearance of Jamal Kashoggi, the journalist who was videotaped entering the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, and never seen again.]

Trump: How ya doing, Prince?

MBS: Doing well, Donald. We’re going to have to talk again about that Trump Tower in Riyadh as soon as I get my fighter jets, tanks, ships and anti-missile defenses from you.

Trump: We’re working on it, Prince. A fantastic deal for you. You know, if we sold those things to Russia it would be more like $200 billion, not the $110 we’re charging you.

MBS: And for that the entire Kingdom is grateful to you personally, Donald. In return, we will endeavor to keep the price of oil below $60 a barrel. Now, what is the purpose of this call?

Trump: Well, Prince, to be perfectly frank, I’m under a lot of pressure here to get tough with you on this Kashoggi thing.

MBS: We know how to deal with pressure in the Kingdom, Donald. Off with their heads! [giggles]

Trump: [laughs] Yeah, I know, Prince, but unfortunately, I can’t do that here—yet. Give me a year or two!

MBS: I trust you, Mister President.

Trump: It’s not just the flakey Democrats who are on my ass, it’s some Republicans too. There’s a lot of anger here over your killing Kashoggi.

MBS: I beg your pardon, Donald! Are you saying I personally killed that dung beetle?

Trump: No, no, no, Prince. But you ordered it.

MBS: I strongly deny that, Donald. Strongly!

Trump: Well, okay, you didn’t do it. But can I ask a favor? Can I borrow your men who did kill him? I have a little problem over here with certain journalists of my own. That Rachel Maddow, for instance. I wouldn’t mind her disappearing.

MBS: Don’t you have such men of your own?

Trump: Well, the CIA and all that, but they’re so damned squeamish. I told them to make Mueller disappear and they refused to do it!

MBS: All right, Donald, we’ll see what we can do.

Trump: Thank you, Prince. This will be my story: “He strongly denies it.” You know, that worked with Putin. He strongly denied to me Russia meddled in our election and that’s what I told the American people and everybody believed it except those damned Democrats.

MBS: Vladimir told me how much he appreciated your parroting his line.

Trump: He’s a great guy, Prince. A strong man, like you. Well, that’s all I got. So long, Prince. Don’t let the sand bugs bite!

MBS: Before you go, Donald, there is one more thing I want to ask. When you talk about this incident, please state that “rogue elements,” quote unquote, were behind it.

Trump: “Rogue elements”…?

MBS: Yes. In our embassy in Istanbul. Whoever killed Mr. Kashoggi was not an official of the Saudi government. Please repeat that.

Trump: “The Crown Prince strongly told me that whoever killed Mr. Kashoggi was not an official of the Saudi government.”

MBS: It could have been Al Qaeda; could have been the Israelis; could have been the Turks. Could have been aliens, or even Kashoggi’s wife: I understand things were not good between them. Who knows?

Trump: The more I think about it, Prince, the more I like it. It’s such a plausible lie, like my “400 pound guy in his bedroom” thing. But I gotta tell you, Prince, I’ll take some heat over this. Even Fox News is going to be all over me. Sometimes, I swear that Shepard Smith is a liberal.

MBS: Well, you’ll handle it. You always do. The point is, “rogue elements” casts just enough confusion to muddy the situation and buy us time until this blows over.

Trump: Sounds like you’ve been talking with Bannon again.

MBS: Our mutual friend is very wise in the ways of the world, Donald. He has been useful to us here in the Kingdom.

Trump: I love it! Okay, so when those snowflake reporters ask me, I’ll mention “rogue elements.”

MBS: Perfect. You can add that we, in the Kingdom, are determined to get to the bottom of this and discover the true killer or killers and bring him, her or them to justice!

Trump: Haha, Prince. That reminds me of my promise to hire the best investigators to prove that Obama wasn’t a U.S. citizen.

MBS: How did that turn out for you, Donald?

Trump: Who cares? All in the past.

MBS: By the way, Donald, I’m thinking of having a little féte here for the world’s dictators. Putin, President Xi, Kim Jong-un, Maduro, Assad, President Kagame, Duterte, Erdogan, and—even though he’s no longer a sitting president–Mugabe.

Trump: My kind of people, Prince!

MBS: Maybe sometime after the New Year, when the weather in Riyadh is delightful. We’ll do it the old-fashioned way: slave girl dancers, beheadings, a banquet—

Trump: Did you say “slave girl dancers,” Prince?

MBS: I did indeed, Donald. Just your type! You can grab them wherever you want.

Trump: No wives, right?

MBS: Of course not, Donald. There are still some values we respect here in the Kingdom, despite the incursions of modernization.

Trump: Count me in, Prince! Can I bring Jared?

MBS: We would be dishonored were you not to do so, Donald. And your boys, Donald Jr. and Eric. Such fine, upstanding young men.

Trump: Thank you, Prince. Are there any endangered species in Arabia they can shoot?

MBS: A few Jews, perhaps. [Both laugh]

 

A strategy meeting in the Oval Office

 

Cast

Donald J. Trump (DJT)

Donald Trump Jr. (DTJr)

Ivanka Trump (IT)

Kellyanne Conway (KC)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders (SHS)

Melania Trump (MT)

KC: Mr. President, we can use this Kavanaugh crisis to rile up our base.

DJT: Sounds good. But how do we do it?

SHS: We organize pro-Kavanaugh rallies across the country.

KC: He asked me, Sarah, not you.

SHS: He asked a generalized question of the group, Kellyanne.

KC: Whatever, bitch.

IT: I still have 10,000 pairs of Ivanka-brand shoes sitting in a Chinese warehouse.

DTJr: Did you pay for them?

DJT: China? Did someone say China? I hate them.

IT: They sent me an invoice for $15 million but I don’t see why I should pay for something I’d never wear.

DJT: See? The Chinese are ripping us off every chance they get.

DTJr: But they have good food. General Tso’s chicken…

KC: Have you eaten at that new place in Lafayette Square?

SHS: People, we’re here to talk about strategy, not Chinese food!

DJT: I’d rather have a Big Mac or the Colonel’s chicken nuggets. Mmm.

IT: Maybe I’ll open a chain of restaurants. Ivanka-burgers, that sort of thing. I’m an entrepreneur.

DTJr: [checking his iPhone] Hey, I got a text from Mueller’s office. They want me to meet with them.

DJT: I didn’t hear that. [puts fingers in ears] La la la la la la la.

KC: I was there once. Such a dreary office! Those drapes…

IT: I know what you mean, Kellyanne. Drapes are everything!

SHS: On the Kavanaugh thing, I—

DJT: Kavanaugh! Kavanaugh! I’m sick of that guy. He’s more famous than me!

KC: That’s not good.

DJT: Fuck him. He’s got bad skin, too. Kellyanne, who else we got on the short list?

KC: Well, there’s Paul Ryan. The Court could use another Catholic.

SHS: People, people! We’re going to ram Kavanaugh through! Let’s not have any talk of someone else.

IT: It’s just chit-chat, Sarah. You don’t have to be so defensive.

SHS: I’m not defensive, Ivanka, I’m just trying to get him on the Court so he can ban abortion.

DTJr: I had a girlfriend once who had an abortion.

DJT: Which one? That skanky Westchester Jew you were dating?

IT: I, personally, love children, as long as they have nannies.

KC: I was molested once.

DTJr: Kimberley wants to go to Maui for Christmas but I told her it wouldn’t look good.

DJT: Where’s Mowee?

IT: Hawaii, Dad.

DJT: America owns that, don’t we? [all silent]

SHS: Anyway, there’s burgeoning pro-Kavanaugh sentiment in red districts. We can—

DJT: What if we use the new Presidential Alert to tell everyone to support Kavanaugh?

KC: We promised we wouldn’t use it for political purposes, Mr. President.

DJT: That wouldn’t be political, it would be [thinks] a public service announcement. [all silent]

IT: Could we use it to sell my Ivanka shoes? Like, 50% off if you call in the next 30 minutes?

KC: Do you have anything in a 5-1/2, Ivanka? Dressy-professional?

SHS: I was talking to Mrs. Kavanaugh and she said Brett’s been drinking more than usual from the stress.

DJT: I never had a drink in my life. A little coke, sure, but I stayed off the booze!

IT: Was that back in your Studio 54 days, Dad?

DJT: You know who was hot? Bianca Jagger. I tried to fuck her once.

SHS: Mr. President, please watch your language. Remember, we’re Christians.

DJT: But she passed out from Champagne, coke and Quaaludes. What was I supposed to do, perform a Kavanaugh? [all silent]

DTJr: Those must have been swell times, Dad.

DJT: You could do anything and get away with it. Not like today, with the failing New York Times.

SHS: People, we have a Supreme Court nomination to get through! Can we please stop talking about irrelevant things?

IT: Dad, could you help me get a million pounds of ground beef? I mean, like, tell your Farming Department to do it?

KC: America doesn’t have a Farming Department, Ivanka. Meat would be under the Justice Department.

SHS: No it wouldn’t, Kellyanne, it would be under the Agricultural Department.

KC: Justice.

SHS: Agricultural.

DTJr: Ladies, please!

IT: Whatever. But Dad, can you do it?

DJT: I’m President. I can do anything.

DTJr. Sis, why does it have to be hamburgers? Can’t you do something healthy?

IT: OMG Don Junior, you and your health obsession!

DTJr. Well, I have to watch my cholesterol.

KC: My husband does, too. You should see him trimming the fat off his steak. I tell him, “George, you—”

DJT: I can probably get you couple boxcars of chickens, sweetie. I’m tight with the Perdues.

KC: What would I do with boxcars of chickens?

IT: He’s talking to me, Kellyanne.

KC: Oh.

SHS: People, we have one day—one day!—to get Kavanaugh through. If we don’t, there’s likely to be more women.

DJT: I love women. Nobody loves women more than me.

IT: That’s my Dad!

DTJr. He’s my Dad too, Ivanka.

IT: Obviously. You have his receding chin.

DJT: I’m America’s Dad!

KC: So was Bill Cosby.

DJT: With all this talk about food, I’m getting hungry. Kellyanne, have the Secret Service get me four buckets of nuggets.

[suddenly, a knock on the door]

DJT: Come in.

[Enter Melania]

MT: Did I hear something about nuggets?

 

From the Personal Diary of Donald J. Trump

 

They say I wander the halls of the White House at night, like Nixon’s ghost, muttering at paintings and shaking my fist.

Well, so what? A guy’s gotta let off a little steam every once in while. It used to be that I could have Cohen or Weisselberg or some other flunky round up a call girl for me so I could relax. Those were the good old days, Diary! That’s how I got together with that Stormy Daniels. She’s a POS now, but whew, when I was bedding her, she was hot! A real slut—my favorite kind. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for me—nothing. And that includes golden showers.

When I was first elected I didn’t know if the Secret Service would help me get girls, or not. I mean, I had to be careful, you know? You can’t just say to them, “Get me a prostitute.” So one day, a few weeks before my inauguration (the biggest ever, by the way!), I said to the head of my detail (I’ll call him “Bob”), “Bob, uh, does the president ever get any privacy?”

“What do you mean, Mr. President-elect?”

“You know, time alone—out of the spotlight—where not even my family or my aides know where I am or what I’m doing.”

“Well, Mr. President-elect, we can make that happen. We can make anything happen.”

“What if, uh—now, Bob, give me an honest answer—let’s say I wanted something that was, uh, out of the ordinary, and required a little discretion.”

“Do you mean, like, marijuana, Mr. President-elect? I’m sure we can arrange that. We did for President Clinton. Or cocaine? We occasionally helped President Bush out with that.”

“No, no, Paul, I don’t do drugs. I mean—”

“President Obama liked to slip out of the Residence at night and go to We the Pizza with his daughters, sir. He’d just walk in unannounced and they’d order a pepperoni pie and—”

“No, no, Paul, it has nothing to do with food. It’s—it’s, well, more personal than that.”

“I don’t understand, Sir.”

Well, Diary, “Bob” was too stupid to figure it out, so I had him replaced. And the next guy, “Al,” was a lot smarter. Every once in a while, he would get me a girl. See, Cohen would find them for me, and let “Al” know, and “Al” and his men could get them in to me, in Mar-a-Lago, or Bedminster, or the White House, wherever—even in Helsinki, believe it or not. But now that Cohen’s gone and Weisselberg’s AWOL, I have no one I can trust to get me girls. That’s why I’m frustrated.

Look, what’s wrong with a POTUS talking to paintings of presidents anyway? Those are my peers up there on the walls, for chrissake: Jackson, Washington, Lincoln, McKinley, Reagan—good Republicans. (I had the White House ushers take down Clinton’s and Obama’s pictures—didn’t want to see those losers’ faces every damn day.) I can imagine the fuss the fake news would make if they knew that. But they don’t, and they won’t, because my White House doesn’t leak.

I’m gonna get that failing New York Times, I guarantee it! Just you wait and see. Traitors. They committed treason by running that op-ed lie. And that “anonymous”—why, he’s declared war against the United States. Firing squad offense, and we’ll do it right in the Rose Garden, where I can watch from the Truman balcony, hopefully with some KFC and a hot babe. That will be a good day. As for that Jew, Woodward, it’s too bad Nixon didn’t take care of him, back in the day. Maybe, someday, I will.

Rudy just called. He’s worried about Don, Jr. All I can say is, if that sunovabitch Mueller tries to lay a glove on my namesake and oldest kid, I’ll…well, I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Sometimes, Dear Diary, I get so pissed at all this fake news. These Demon-crats, led by the Clintons, they’re trying to get me any way they can: lies, smears, innuendoes. And that Obama. Man, why can’t these ex-presidents just shut up and play golf? I’ll tell you, Obama’s the worst president we ever had. He really messed up the Bush economy, which had been doing so well, and it’s only because of me that this amazing Recovery has been so successful. So, yeah, I know I’m venting, but like I said, sometimes a guy has to let off a little steam. If only I could get a girl up here, a nice porn star. Dammit.

 

Trump’s war on The Resistance is imperiling even bloggers like me

 

Aug. 5, 2019 – As I write this, I am in fear for my freedom, even my life. I am in a hidden location; Trump’s gestapo–an army of Homeland Security and Breitbart thugs–could come for me any time, and haul me away, with no charges and no lawyer, to “rendition” me in a black site, as they already have hauled away so many other “Deep State enemies.” However, I will blog as long as I have to capacity to do so.

It is now eleven months since the New York Times “Anonymous” op-ed piece appeared, eleven months since Trump demanded that “his” Justice Department and “his” Attorney General, Sessions, identify and arrest the “traitor” who wrote the editorial. And ten months since the widespread arrests and disappearances began. Democrats and civil libertarians at first screamed bloody murder. Then they, too, began to vanish: a Senator on her way home from the gym, a Congresswoman who told her husband she’d be right back from a quick trip to the market and never returned, a Federal judge who went solo on a fishing trip and whose campsite was discovered, a week later, undisturbed, except for the fact that he was never found, a Washington Post reporter whose bicycle was found in Rock Creek Park, with his shattered glasses on the ground beside it.

Soon the press stropped writing about the disappearances, even the New York Times. Journalists were terrified of reprisals; publishers understood how difficult a vengeful, all-powerful regime could make their businesses, and their lives. And Mueller? There never was a report. It is amazing, in retrospect, how quickly, how thoroughly he faded from the news. Nobody knows where he is, or what happened to him. For that matter, nobody knows if Hillary Clinton or Obama still live, and are free: we have heard from neither in months. Well, certainly, somebody knows these things–the people behind the purge. But they aren’t saying. The important fact is that the Mueller investigation simply ended, not with a bang, or even a whimper, but with an eerie silence.

And the American people? As I say, those who cared were cowed into muteness. Those who didn’t care, still don’t. As long as they have their creature comforts, they’re content.

The Internet went dead for nearly four months. No Google, no social media, not even email. The government took care of that—how it was possible for them to anesthetize the entire World Wide Web, I have no idea. Overnight—this was in the winter of 2018, Dec. 28th, to be precise—we were plunged back into a pre-computer world. Oh, we still had computers: word processing, databases and all that. But that was it, until the government announced the “new Internet” in March. All domains had to be registered with the Justice Department. They were assigned a new “.fox” tag. The “news” could be found at news.fox. A reinvented twitter was at twitter.fox. It is surprising how easily people adapted to the new restrictions. Millennials, especially, seemed not to care.

There did remain television. The regime even allowed MSNBC to stay on the air, although, of course, some familiar faces disappeared. Did Rachel Maddow go back to Western Massachusetts, under house arrest? Was Chris Matthews free? Who knew? They let Brian Williams continue, but he became essentially the administration’s biggest fan. (I’ll never forget his broadside against Hillary Clinton, in which his guests were Alex Jones, Steve Bannon and Rush Limbaugh.) CNN too remained (or was allowed to remain), and even Wolf Blitzer. At the height of the crackdown, he’d disappeared for three weeks—the network said he was “on vacation.” When he reappeared, on a Monday night, he looked older, thinner, gaunt, his cheekbones sunken, his eyes puffy and watery, his shirt collar too big. But it was him, good old Wolf! And he reported the news in the same old matter-of-fact way: Trump spoke to a rapturous crowd in Terre Haute, Trump celebrated his anniversary with Melania, Trump this, Trump that, all the reportage favorable to the president. Congress continued to convene, absent, of course, the faces who were no longer there. One wondered if Pelosi were alive or dead. Adam Schiff was gone, Cory Booker was gone, Eric Swalwell was gone, ditto Durbin, Feinstein, Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren, and on and on. The administration found replacements for them, nominally Democrats, but all voted all the time for every Republican bill.

Had The Resistance been a dream?

Perhaps. I remember, or think I remember, joining it, proudly, in September, 2016, even before the election.  I remember fighting the regime with every ounce of strength I had, knowing that Trump would do exactly what he has done, the minute he had the power to do it. I suppose it was the confirmation of Kavanaugh that finally convinced him to make his move. He knew, and knows, that there is nothing anyone can do to stop him, now, because that was the deal he made with Kavanaugh: I will appoint you to your dream job, if you promise me you will not let me be indicted, or subpoenaed, or charged with any crime, or be impeached, and guarantee that I can pardon myself. And, Brett, just in case you’re thinking of making that promise, and then breaking it when you’re on the Court, consider this: I remain Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces and head of all the intelligence agencies of the United States, and you have two lovely daughters, Liza and Margaret, and your wonderful wife, Ashley.

It would not have been hard for Judge Kavanaugh to read between the lines.

And so I write, from this secret location. I have no idea if anyone will ever read these words. But still! A record must be kept, of truth, of fact, of accuracy and freedom. Someday, History—

Wait! There’s someone outside, banging on my door. I get up to answer. Gus looks up, startled. I–

 

From the Personal Diary of Brett Kavanaugh

 

Dear Diary,

I played this one well, dontcha think? Been preparing for it for more than twenty years now. Just imagine me, little Bretty Kavanaugh, a middle class kid from D.C., on the Supreme Court!

Those Dems think they’re gonna trip me up but they’re not gonna lay a hand on me. We’ve been moot-courting this thing for months: me, Lindsay Graham and Orrin Hatch. There’s nothing any Dem’s gonna ask me that I haven’t already been asked a dozen times over.

I had the good sense (if I do say so myself) for the last twelve years while I was on the Court of Appeals to keep a low profile and not write anything that could get me in hot water when this moment came, which I always knew it would. So there’s nothing in my public record as a judge that’s gonna come at me.

I gotta say that I’m glad Trump is playing hardball on my documents from before 2003. There’s stuff in there that could be a problem. I was pretty fierce on abortion—against it, I mean. ‘Course, as a believing Catholic, I have to be against killing babies. I’m sure somebody—maybe Kamala Harris—is gonna press me on being Catholic: can I divorce my judicial decisions from my religious beliefs? That’s no problem. All I have to do is reassure her that of course I can. Just between you and me, Dear Diary, obviously I can’t eliminate my religious beliefs from my judicial opinions, because my Catholic beliefs are the Word of God, and God is higher than anything, including the U.S. Constitution and Stare Decicis and all that. So I will vote to overturn Roe v. Wade just as soon as I get the chance! But I’d never admit it in public.

Dems will also ask me about gay marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong, Diary, I have gay friends and even a cousin who’s gay, and I love them, as my Lord and Savior commands. But the Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. That’s the way God wants it, and by gum, that’s the way it’s gonna be, if I have anything to say about it—and once I’m sworn in, I’ll have plenty to say about it! I imagine that when we overturn Obergeffel there’s gonna be a shitstorm in America, with every damn gay marching in the streets and screaming for my head, but that’s okay. Jesus will protect me. America has to return to her Godly ways or else the atheistic terrorists will win.

By the way, Dear Diary, Dems are gonna try and get me to say a president can’t be indicted or subpoenaed, and they’ll also try to trap me into saying that, in my opinion, the Special Counsel law is unConstitutional. Obviously, those are my opinions: a President is absolutely shielded from being indicted or subpoenaed because the only way a president can be held to justice, if he breaks the law, is by impeachment. And I see nothing in the Constitution to allow for the creation of what is essentially a fourth branch of government—a Special Counsel—with co-equal powers, or greater, than the three branches the Constitution spells out. So, yes, I would vote to stop the investigation now. In fact, during one of my private talks with President Trump, I told him that, if he fired Mueller and I was on the Court, I’d uphold his action. I don’t know if that was part of the reason he picked me—but I have to assume it was!

He’s a great man, President Trump. Sure, as a Catholic, I don’t agree with some of the things he says and does (that pussy grabbing thing really bothered me), but the Constitution doesn’t say we have to elect an angel as president. It just says he has to be a citizen and at least 35. (In Obama’s case, I’m still not convinced he’s American—but I’m not gonna say that either!) So, yeah, Trump’s not very moral; I think probably he doesn’t even believe in God. But it doesn’t matter, because he’s essentially running the government in a Catholic way, which is how I think America should be run. (Not that I’m a big fan of Pope Francis. Too liberal.)

So here we go, Dear Diary. Pretty soon, I’ll be an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States! And, together with my fellow Catholics on the Court, we’re gonna bring Jesus back as the leader of the free world.

From the Personal Diary of Margaret (Mrs. Duncan) Hunter

 

Dear Diary,

It’s so unfair! I mean, these silly allegations about Dunky and myself. Like we did something everybody else doesn’t! What’s the big deal? It was just some a garage door, a bathing suit, a plane ticket on coach—nothingburgers, for crying out loud! And now these lousy Democrats are acting like we broke into Fort Knox.

You know, it’s not easy being a politician’s wife. Dunky could have made a lot of money—and I mean a lot—if he’d gone into mall development, like some of his friends wanted him to. Or he could have stayed in the Marines and probably ended up as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

But my Dunky wanted to help the people! He was raised with the Christian idea that public service is a man’s highest calling. So he ran for Congress when his daddy, Duncan L., retired, and he won big, because the people saw how much he cared for them. My Dunky sacrificed big money in order to serve in politics, and what does he get for it? An indictment!

People don’t realize that Congressmen aren’t rich. All Dunky was paid was a measly $174,000 a year. Peanuts. Imagine trying to maintain two homes on that, in two super-expensive places, Washington D.C. and Lakeside, California. All the entertaining, the travel expenses, and a Congressman’s wife can’t just schlep around in sweatpants, she has to dress expensively as befits her husband’s station! And it’s not just her clothes, she has to look good too, which is why I bought all those cosmetics at Bloomingdale’s. What, I’m supposed to get my makeup at Costco?

The Democrats are saying we spent campaign funds to go to Hawaii on a vacation. Some vacation that turned out to be! It rained the entire two weeks. Dunky got food poisoning from the tuna poke, and my Christian Louboutin Gipsybooties were ruined from the sand. There’s $1,195 down the drain!

So we used a little creative accounting to pay for it all. So what? Like those damned Democrats never did anything wrong? That witch, Hillary Clinton, and her husband (I won’t even say his name) stole millions from the Federal treasury, only their corrupt liberal judges and that crooked Department of Justice covered up for them. But when a conservative like my Dunky and me borrow a teensy-weensy little bit of money for stuff his salary won’t cover, everybody’s up in arms! Well, excuse me!

Now the veterans are all mad at Dunky because we took a few dollars that were supposed to go to wounded warriors and spent them on us. Allegedly! Well, nobody cares for veterans more than my Dunky. After all, he is a vet! Don’t you hate these politicians who never served in the military criticizing real vets? They’re almost always Democrats, like that awful John “Swift Boat” Kerry and that turncoat McCain. I’ll tell you, Dunky has done more for vets than that draft-dodging Obama ever did. Obama hated vets, because they love America and he hates America. Which is just what you’d expect from a Muslim terrorist who was born in—where was it?—Timbuktoo or Biafra or some such African shithole.

Well, Dunky is not going to quit! He’s not a quitter! He’s not going to let the libtard snowflakes drive him from office, the way they’re trying to drive our great President Trump out. No way! It’s the same people every time: haters like the New York Times, Jeff Sessions, that dyke Rachel Maddow and Pocahontas. They bit off more than they can chew when they went after my husband!

And now our own hometown paper, the Union-Tribune, is calling on him to resign. Of all the nerve! I always said that liberal rag belongs in San Fag-cisco, not a fine, decent military city like San Diego. Well, Dear Diary, it’s obvious the Union-Tribune has joined the rigged witch hunt. What is happening to our country? It’s not like it used to be, with all these criminals coming across the border and liberals destroying our Christian values. #Sad. But Dunky and I are going to fight this all the way, and you know what? We’re going to win, and there’s going to be a Red Wave this November!

 

What Carter, Clinton, Bush and Obama are waiting for

Word has reached me that former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama have agreed to a joint statement regarding the pending investigation of the current President, Donald J. Trump.

The four former chief executives and their chiefs of staff have been in continuous contact for the past year, mainly through secure telephone and email channels, although they also have met secretly from time to time, to discuss the ongoing crisis of the Trump presidency.

Among their main topics: When, and if, to issue a joint statement, possibly live on television, that reflects their shared judgment. All are said to be privately alarmed at the direction the Trump regime has taken and its impacts on both the United States and the world.

Pressure on the three Democrats, Carter, Obama and Clinton, has grown sharper in recent months, as members of their party, increasingly alarmed by the administration’s conduct, have urged the former leaders to more overtly condemn Trump and his associates for degrading the Presidency. One Democratic insider, close to both Clinton and Obama, told me that the two ex-Presidents are aware of the feeling in the party that they have not done enough to resist the deterioration of the nation and highlight Trump’s erratic and dangerous behavior.

Bush, the Republican, is under less pressure. But Trump’s insults of and attacks upon his younger brother, Jeb, are said to have irritated the Bush family. And George W. Bush’s Christian morals have been “deeply offended” by Trump’s behavior, according to a source close to the 43rd President.

The four former Presidents most recently conferred by a private, secure telephone connection in early August. They agreed to the following timetable:

  • – They will say and do nothing to directly attack Trump at this time, although they remain free to indirectly criticize him in speeches and articles.
  • – They will await the release of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report of his investigation of Trump, the Trump family and Trump’s businesses.
  • – If, as expected, that report accuses Trump of crimes and misdemeanors, such as colluding with a foreign country in the 2016 election, trading favors with foreign leaders for business access in their countries, or other illegal conduct, the former Presidents will issue a joint statement, either through a press release or, if possible, on live television, broadcast on the major networks during prime time.

Here is the text of that pending statement. The actual wording is subject to change, depending on the specifics of Mueller’s report.

“We, James Earl Carter, Jr., William Jefferson Clinton, George Walker Bush, and Barack Hussein Obama, having read and analyzed Special Counsel Mueller’s report, urge the Congress of the United States of America to immediately take up Articles of Impeachment against the 45th President, Donald J. Trump. His actions appear beyond doubt to have constituted the most severe breaches of Federal laws, and to have represented a direct attack upon the security of America. His ongoing efforts to impede the Mueller investigation are clear evidence of obstruction of justice. We urge President Trump to immediately resign from office, pending the outcome of Articles of Impeachment in the House and a Trial in the Senate.”

Privately, the four former Presidents are said to be reluctant to take any such irrevocable step, mainly because of the unwritten rule that former chief executives refrain from criticizing the current occupant of the Oval Office. But they appear to have been influenced by their wives, the former First Ladies Rosalynn Carter, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Laura Bush and Michelle Obama, to go further in their public denunciations of Trump. The First Ladies are thought to be highly offended by Trump’s misogynistic comments. Also influencing the ex-Presidents are their children, who are “alarmed and disgusted” by the ”scandals and degeneracy in the Oval Office,” according to a former Bush aide, who asked not to be identified.

It’s not clear what impact such a statement from four living former Presidents would have on public opinion, or on the Congress, and particularly its Republican members. House and Senate Republicans have been slow to criticize Trump, and most have embraced him, even while distancing themselves from his more embarrassing Tweets and public statements. “Can George W. Bush move people like McConnell and Ryan out of their corners into supporting impeachment?” asked the former Bush aide. “It’s not at all clear.”

Still, the former President Bush remains popular among what remains of centrist Republican circles. Beyond the Congress, Bush may be key to influencing the thinking of swing voters, who have their doubts about Trump’s conduct and mental capacity, but so far have continued to support him.

Mueller is said to be committed to issuing his final report before the November elections. According to three people close to them, the four ex-presidents, who each receive classified government security reports, are convinced that Trump has committed serious crimes and will be indicted by Mueller. “They’re shocked that he’s been able to get away with this so far,” said one source, “and President [George W.] Bush in particular is outraged that Congressional Republicans continue to roll over to protect him.”